Friday, December 26, 2008

Inspirations and Thoughts!

Oh how can a person that was woken up at 7:53am to go to a random receptionist temp job be so inspired?

I am having the best day in reference to my feelings towards my life (the job is quite boring, no one has called).

Lets start with this morning. I was woken up out of a deep sleep and a dream. This dream was not very exciting when you think about it, but at the same time it was VERY exciting. You know how you get that "feeling" from dreams? I, for some reason, have this anticipation feeling. An excited, can't wait, sort of feeling. And its just about making my day.

What can't I wait for? I dunno! Let me tell you about my dream.

I was with some friends. Friends from college, Albuquerque, and here in Chicago. We were all in this auditorium (old..seats were falling apart) getting ready to watch this movie. It was simple, we were all excited to see it. My friend and I ( I think it was Chrysteena) were in these two chairs that were not by my other friends. We kept making jokes back and forth with them and finally when some people moved they told us to move back. We did, and I noticed it totally wasn't a better view at all. So I told Steeny to move back with me. And we did. And I noticed...of all people...Al Franken sitting over to my left with a weird graph in his hands. And the movie had yet to start.

That was it. Then my phone rang. But I was just so happy and excited in that dream. It was wonderful!!

And I looked up "blue" in my dream dictionary (www.dreammoods.com) and this is what it had to say...
"The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind."

Wow! What a great definition. Of course I have clarity of mind. And of what you ask?

Well, of my career. Yes folks my career. I've been a bit depressed lately about where this "career" has been headed. And its my own damn fault! What have I been doing to progress it? Nothing! Nope, I haven't tried to get an agent. I haven't auditioned around town (save for a few improv auditions). I've narrowed my pathway that I was taking and I was getting depressed about it. Sitting in my little chair complaining to myself that I wasn't getting anywhere.

Well, I've had a major change in attitude folks. And I have unemployement to thank for it. Why? Because there isn't anything else to do when you're unemployed than think. Think about your life. I was too busy this summer working on boats to even get my act together, and last year I had only about a week of "vacation" to think about things. This year? Oh its been a month. One month of trying to figure out how I got into this prediciment. Excuses, bad money handling, no motivation were a part of it along with a "blah" attitude. It's EASY to just get a job and sit around playing video games and eating delicious food. But thats not going to get you your dreams. They aren't coming TO you. You have to go GET them.

Seems easy to recognize when you write it down, but to actually feel that motivation. The excitement of giving a shit about your life is a wonderful feeling to have.

I've had this dream of being an actor for 14 years. (shoot, I'd even say since I was 7) And I realize that it is a serious dream and I've got to be serious about it. I don't fit in in any other institution. I get excited when I watch behind the scenes on movies and tv shows. I get excited about having to work long hours into the night (or perhaps even overnights). I love writing a story and having it be put up on a stage. I love memorizing lines and rehearsing and being in front of people. That stuff excites me down to the bone and I have such a wonderful time doing it.

And because of that, I know that I have to work really hard to get to where I can do it for a living. And not just sit around on my ass and wait for it to come to me. It's not going to!

Again. It sounds so simple when you write it down, but it has literally taken 2 years (maybe even more!) of me standing behind a glass door and watching others get what I want before I have actually grasped the door knob and started to turn it.

I can't LIVE this temp/deckhand/temp/deckhand life for the rest of my life. Although I love it very much, I didn't move up here to become a deckhand. Chicago is a stepping stone for me on the mountain of my ultimate goal. Albeit a magnificent stepping stone.

And in reference to my "ultimate goal" which maybe you know, maybe you don't and I don't want to say here in fear of jinxing it (so shoot me), I need to hurry up and start the "meanial" work so I can get there before I'm 40. (eew thats weird to say)

Before I run out of things to say, I just wanted to (cheesily) thank my pretend boyfriend and, truthfully, a new hero of mine, David Tennant. Just seeing how he is as a person and seeing how hard he works for what he wants gives me inspiration. Gave me inspiration during this month of no jobs. Gave me hope to go out and get what I want because no one is going to magically shoot me to the top. I've got to F**king work for it so hard, but I know that it'll come true.

Yup, to all the naysayers and "realists" out there, I feel it in my heart that I have the talent and will strong enough to get there. And thats all you need. Just tell that to a nerdy guitar and drama student who wanted to be homecoming queen when she was a freshman in high school. I wanted it. I went for it. I worked for it. And I got it.

And I'll get this. Because I'm going to work my hands to the bone for it. For me.


1 comment:

Kiki B said...

Lelu!!! I'm so excited for you! That's the best feeling, to know that you are ready to take the next step. I know you will be successful in your goals, and there will be steps back, but know that they will get you to the right place at the right time! I love you mucho and I know this is going to work for you!

Love ya,
Kristin