Monday, July 21, 2008

And now it's my turn.

Anyway, the following is a lot more dramatic than I intended it to be. But that's just the way I am right now...

So last night I had a dream I found my birth mother. I've never had a dream like that. in the 27 years I've been alive I've never had a dream about finding her. I had a dream when I was 6 that my parents didn't know my brother and I were thier children...but it also had a volcano and lava people in it. And I've come to terms with that dream because it was 21 years ago.

But this one, it was like, I met up with her. And her hair was long at first. And she had a long face. And it was old. And I didn't try and find what we had in common until later when she suddenly had very short curly hair and I said "I want to know where I got my straight hair from" and she didn't reply. And I introduced her to someone saying "hey I found my birth mother".

This isn't about her. This dream is about me. Who am I? You wouldn't understand as well as if you were adopted yourself, but I'll give you the confidence that you could try.

I don't know what is in my blood. I don't know what my blood/gene - culture is. I can guess all I want. People can tell me what they think...all they want. That won't get me any closer. Who do I look like most? My birth mother or birth father? Do I have any siblings out there? Am I destined to get some weird genetic disease I don't know about?

And I can try and find her. And I could find her and we could reunite and she could tell me all about myself. But I always think...what if she doesn't want to be found? What if she is dead?

Adoptees, I read somewhere, have the deepest underlying abandonment issues. Whether it was ultimately good for the child to be adopted (and it WAS.), the little baby inside doesn't know why they've been given up.

Don't feel bad for me. I know I couldn't have picked a better family. One that loves me more than the world. That helps me pursue my very crazy (but very real) dream. I honestly am so thankful I was put up for adoption. Thank you. THANK YOU.

But I still think about that stuff. I'm not all candy and lollipops. But this dream. I...haven't been myself for the past week. Things have gone on that I don't exactly regret...and aren't a huge deal..but jesus, I don't do those things. Me, Leslie, don't do those things. Other things that have to do with my career happened and even though people tell me I'm good, I'm talented, I got "the stuff"...I still take a hit when I don't get called back. And its because I am rushing myself. Trying to get to the end of the dream before I have time to savor what I have now.

I'm not writing. I'm not reading (right now), I'm not acting (in a sketch/play) and these things are what make me happy. So when I don't do them...I feel...empty. Empty in a way that makes me just the net and think of how things can be. And not DO anything.

I've been NOT doing anything for like...2 months. And I feel bleh. I am bleh right now. (though getting this out makes me feel better). I am having dreams about trying to find out who I really am. I thought I knew. You never really know. Anticipating what you'll do but having surprises at every turn.

It's just a rut I'm in. Been in one before, got out of it. But this one isn't just my career. Its my job (why am I so nervous to talk into a friggin microphone?) relationships (okay...why do so many people ask why I don't have a boyfriend? I DON'T KNOW. It's not that I don't want one. I can think of a perfectly good person...) house...(get it together and clean up already!)

And can I go on a little bit more of a rant right now? What IS wrong with me that I don't have a boyfriend? There is one thing that has been the same in all of my "relationships" and its me. I intimidating? gross? boring? Do I have too many ...I don't even KNOW. honestly.
What is the deal. Agh. its frustrating. I do everything wrong. Boo.

Well anyhoo. That's my stuff I have on my mind. Here I'll leave you with 2 things.

1. A poem I wrote

A shadow
I feel you around me
I know you're here
Old soul. My oldest best friend
with me since the world began
we are seperated by life
one alive one a spirit
but we are one
together we can conquer the universe
together we will always be

2. A video I did. :) It makes me laugh.

The music is obviously The Beatles - "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" please don't hurt me cause I used it.


Kiki B said...

Leslie, I know that what you are going through in trying to find out who you are and what your life is about and destined for is definitely different because you were adopted. Please know that you are not going through all of these discoveries alone. We are all trying to figure out who we are and why we're here. Most of those questions you've asked yourself I ask myself everyday. Why the hell do I not have a boyfriend? I like to think I'm a pretty cool chick. And I don't have answers to any of them for you or for me. If you ever need someone to talk to or help, I'm here for you, even if it's just silly emails back and forth. I love you Le lu!

Kiki B said...

ps. your video made me laugh