Well it's a Friday night and I'm just chillin out at my house. After a long day of spending time with myself (i.e. on the computer and watching tv) my mind tends to wander a bit. Minds tend to do that when they're bored! But it was going to rain today and rained quite a bit tonight and with severe thunderstorm warnings and everything, I had to stay in. Just HAD to. So...I thought about things I could be doing: Like learning the tour I have to know in maybe a week or more, a restaurant gift certificate I have to buy for a friends bridal shower, if I actually want to go out late tonight or not, I should get up and exercise and what kinda things do I want to eat?
Trivial stuff like that.
But more real things come up from time to time like: Am I doing the right thing with my life? What would happen if I just left, left for a year and traveled the world? Would people miss me? Would I miss the life I have now? Why am I so scared to open myself to people sometimes? I wish all my friends and family could live where I live, that way I could see them more often.
Unemployment brings up lots of things you try not to think about when you are busy working 9-5 and rehearsing for a play the rest of the time. I think I overthink things. Over think in a way that it doesn't become all that important anymore. I mean, not everything, but most important things. Although sometimes its a good thing I think, because then you weigh every option and try and foresee all conclusions....forgive me. I'm reading this book "Day Watch" (science fiction of course) where these people get to see all lines of possibilities of everything. And it makes you Think..
Would that be a good thing? I suppose it would be. Then you could stop making some mistakes you wish you wouldn't have made. And make mistakes that you can see will make things better.
It would be a bad thing too. You wouldn't explore anymore. You wouldn't be surprised. You would just be a mush of stuff that knew when everything would happen.
So would it be such a bad thing for me to just go off on a road trip or go to a different country and get to know people there? But that would make all the work I've done here go away, and I'd have to try again and get to know more people.
I have had a plan for my life for...oh I don't know...14 years. Its as simple as just wanting to make people laugh for a living. (And not getting caught up in the politics of success). But its as complicated as me making lists of actors I'd love to work with, movies I'd love to write, tv shows I'd love to be on/I'd love to host. Practicing how I'd answer questions Conan O'Brien asks and getting his admiration by making him laugh.
You ever think, when you are in an airplane, that the people you are sharing this space with never existed to you until you saw them at that moment? And yet they have complicated lives and families and friends and places to go and dreams of their own. You never existed to them until that moment. That one moment when you walked by each other, never to speak or laugh together, cry or dream with one another. And you exist. And they exist.
These are things I think about. I'd love to make those people laugh. Come out of a movie theatre and talk about "that movie" and quote it months later, much like my friends and I.
Those people. I want to reach them.
Don't worry about me though, I know I will. I know it because I have no other plans really. Other than to just go off to another country and explore. Which I know I'll be able to do once I get what I want here. I just have to be patient.
I don't know if I've told you...mystery reader...but I believe in reincarnation. Definitely. My mom tells me I'm an old soul. (oh mothers :-) ) But she has said other people say the same thing about me. And maybe I've bought into it or maybe it really is true. But I do believe you can tell a new soul vs. an old soul. Maybe it's in my brain only, but if you really listen to people and watch what they do...its easy to see old and new.
And maybe I'm on the last few of my lives (and by few...I mean...more than a few) right now. Because I feel relaxed about living life. Relaxed and confident that my dreams will come true. And I can't explain it in words about how I feel. But I can feel the world and things and an absolute energy that they emit.
I dunno. I had a dream the other night, where someone was in this museum and was looking at an exhibit of different religions of the world. And they didn't like "christianity" or even "taoism" or "buddhism" and they couldn't figure out where they stood. And I came up to them and explained to them about an energy that the earth and everything on it gave off. And it supported the earth and it was this bright blue light that no one was afraid of because it was Peace in all its entirety and all you had to do was FEEL it. Absorb it and become it and you would feel okay.
And I feel okay. I feel great. Though, I'm a bit tired....well, because I didn't do anything today, and it's 12:30am.
So ...these are things I think about.