Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Neighbor of the Neighbor

(This is a rant. I have not censored myself. I wish she would read this..oh how I wish)

Dear Downstairs Neighbors,

Fuck you. You know what? It's Friday night. At 10:30pm. And you want me to be quiet so you can SLEEP? How old are you? Oh yeah you're 23. TWENTY THREE. 

Did you know that I SHUFFLE around when I walk during the day so that you don't get mad? I go out of my way to not make noise so that I don't hear that "Bang bang bang" on my floor...on a Monday NOON.

Who do you think you are? You don't own this place! You aren't some princess that gets what she wants. You aren't, sorry to break it to you but you are in the middle of Chicago, next to Wrigley Field, and you live by thousands of bars. 

I am NOT going to be quiet. 

OH yeah. Thanks for introducing yourself to me and my roommate when we first moved here. Thanks for giving us a warm welcome with open arms. Thanks for that. Because thats what good neighbors do. You get to know each other...

Oh wait. Nope thats not what you did. 1 - 2 days into moving in? You came up and told us to be quiet, and said that it had been happening for 3 days now...guess what. That was our first night there. So...SHUT the fuck up.

Yeah and that first note? Where you said that we apparently controlled the heat? And you were this victim that we were out to get, keeping you frozen at night because we are evil monsters...WE don't control it. Never did. Your psycho boyfriend you argue with in the stairwell told you that. 

That second note? Where you said "I know you have to walk but..." and gave us some crazy "it didn't happen before" bullshit and STILL didn't introduce yourself? I still know you as "downstairs neighbor" and "below you". 

Let me tell you something you son of a bitch. You will NEVER be happy with us. If I have to tiptoe up here (IN MY OWN LIVING SPACE THAT I'M PAYING FOR) you won't be happy. You should live in the fucking country by yourself because THAT is the quiet that you want. 

YOU Shut up. YOU leave ME alone. I have had nothing but shitty high maintenance SHIT from you since I moved in and God damn it if it has made my life a more miserable. And you know what? Its not my fault. NO. IT IS NOT ME.

Hey remember when on a Tuesday night at 6:30pm I accidentally dropped that picture frame? And I heard the "BANG BANG" from you? Remember that? I swear to god I will punch you in the mouth. IT SCARED ME TOO. I DROPPED A FUCKING PICTURE FRAME.

GET a fucking life. Seriously. If you think for one moment that the "bang bang" will make it all better. Or being a big douche bag will make me FLOAT above the wood floor, you need to get a clue. YOU are in BED on a Friday night at 10:30. Not MY fault, don't make me as miserable as I'm sure you are. 

I am not a violent person. But you get under my skin and I don't like people under my skin. I don't LIKE you. NEVER will. Why? because you won't CALM DOWN.


Your upstairs neighbor.


Valarie said...

UCK!!! People suck!

Natalie said...

you need to print this out and give it to her.

Seriously les... she needs to know

Kelly said...

i second natalie's comment. i think she needs to hear the part especially about floating above the wood floor. 'cause that's just friggin' hilarious.

Spiro said...

I think you should wear heels when you are home. Then turn on the vacuum every day at 7:33pm. Open and shut every door in your house as often as possible. Um, let's see what else? Oh!! Then you turn on some Billy Ocean or some Lionel and have a personal dance party while you look in the mirror. McCracken may or may not join u. The possibilities are truly endless and full of fun!! Cheers